bila putaran hidup kembali ke trek asal (tapi diri jadi makin purba)

... maknanya kena buat balik, from zero. soal diri sendiri lah...
tapi orang lain, dah kawin, dah tunang. seksyen 2 pula , kata apis, penuh dengan gadis. terhibur la jugak. "tak apa, apis. pandangan macam ni tak pernah tua. 6 bulan sekali diorang polish. datang yang baru... segar selalu. tak le macam kampung dengan orang tua... "

girlfriend didnt work. she met new friends.
boyfriend awak living this not normal life. 2 tahun tak kaya2. kena tipu for straight 10 months dalam bentuk motivasi. unfortunate. ummu pula diketuk hatinya supaya jadi lembuh. tapi tak dapat tidak menafikan rasa diri bodoh at 4 am.
mencari bandmembers, sorang kat kerinchi. yang kat s alam ni plak tau nyanyi je. "aku pun nyanyi, beb! mana boleh 2 orang nyanyi. aku ni gila kuasa! takder, takder,... ko kena belajar gitar, aku tak kira!"


susah nak menaip menda alah ni.

sepi is my middle name , really. mana ada orang hidup at 3, 4 am... ko nak buat call time camtu? boyfriend dia marah nanti. this way:

"u,.... u can't call me.... my boyfriend...." malas nak txt.

but all in all of a sudden i miss everyone. my timeline (between may 06 till november) prove there's nothing wrong with me, but now, i'm dying. darkness imprisoning me. all that i see. absolute horror. i cannot live, i cannot die. trap in myself body my holding cell.

saat ditinggalkan seorang diri...

kali terakhir saya melihat maman ialah ahad lepas, makan goreng pisang depan tv.

semalam, tv dah tak ada. saki baki goreng pisang yang dah lemau walaubagaimanapun masih di tempatnya. berbaki, membikin bakteria.

maman dah tinggalkan rumah ni. ultimately. sooner, botak, adik dia, ali katak. maka tinggallah saya sorang diri dengan kenaikan sewa sebanyak 2 ratus sejak hari tu. ouh, tadikan, depan pintu sempat saya lihat notis pemotongan elektrik sebab tunggakan 3 ratus.

no tv, lead to no dvd player, or mp3 layer. audio player whatever. elektrik dah nak potong kan?

semalam hari jadi saya. saya sering lupa harijadi sendiri. terlalu memikirkan untuk menggembirakan orang lain (tu pun gagal). dia kata , saya tak buat kad harijadi untuk diri sendiri... why should i? i don't even have your painting...


adinda2 saya yang tak pernah bagi wish, send a regard: "busy sangat ke sampai tak perasan text message adik sendiri?"
kekanda zanariah yang bakal menemui hari bahagianya sabtu ini pun berbuat demikian.
"ada kek?" tanya saya. "ada, warna putih 3 tingkat. tapi kena balik kampung, potong sabtu ni." itu kek awak lah, za! saya nak kek coklat!

saya seboleh-bolehnya tak nak memikirkan kisah silam. no i didn't. i wish i could be more sane. but to break things down,..... tahun ni saja saya terima like..... 4 wedding invitation, ouh wait, 5 from close friends. which means, they now are more about their companion. saya tiada rakan rapat di sekitar shah alam.


saya teringat rumah sewa yang naik sewanya. kalau ikutkan hati, saya dah menyampah dah nak duduk kat situ. kat section 17 pun. susah nak gi kl! dah masuk tahun ke 3, mana tak sedih.

saya memikirkan painting-painting besar kat rumah, yang bakal dibalut dengan kertas tetapi tak punya tempat penyimpanan. berkotak-kotak buku, komik, majalah.... erm,... kena sewa lori ni. saya nak bawak rice cooker je. saya nak masak. maman dah angkut dapur sekali.

saya seorang diri sekarang. tulisan ini, bagamanapun sangat kecil untuk didengar khalayak... supaya tidak saya dibelenggu kesunyian.

editor di majalah bertanya bagaimana dapat dia membayar kerja-kerja grafik saya yang saya buat ketika masa percuma saya. entahlah, saya tak pandai nak kira. i did half of magazine like,.... 7 days? tapi, rekod pantas saya lah.... tak mungkin saya minta more than a quid. even i think i do it for percuma, macam masa saya juga, including the writing and illustration. i'm so into it. saya cuma dibayar jika membuat benda yang saya tak suka. tak ikhlas bunyinya kan?


kerana duit dan masa.... dan keinginan, saya masih menyimpan rahsia tentang keinginan saya. maaf, dear.... nak sori , tunggu hari raya.

tapi menguburkan keinginan lebih membuatkan saya derita.

i'm packing now... but i dunno where to go.


Currently listening:
Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven by Godspeed You Black Emperor

People complain everyday, but who hear their voices? : Collected random thoughts

"I will let you down, I will make you hurt..." - uncle trent

------------------------------------------------------------

i read this thought in Wired magazine, from game designer on how he love to cook.
just like making game, it require preparation.
just like making art, don't you see?
- saturday, june 21, 08. 10:20 am


lunch everyone.
- monday, june 23, 08. 01:18 pm



"awak suka saya tak?"

suka. tapi nak panjangkan ayat tu supaya tak nampak obvious sangat which goes:

"...terhibur la jugak." (sambil senyum...)

wait, wait,....hold it! did we ever heard that line before?
or better, wasn't that stolen from an actual event?
that concludes our broken heart today.
- monday, june 23, 08. 05:56 pm


life's not as easy as we thought, dear.
and we're not about to live together for a day or two.
and not for a day or two you're going to throw away yourself from me.
cruelty, beastly.

(sigh)

wurk, wurk, wurk.

(yay!)

(and that includes, saturday, hell! i wish sunday too. but i have Monopoly game with my nephew. so,... sunday is skippable.)

flea market, damn!

- tuesday, june 24, 08. 12:00 pm


terma susah senang hidup bersama mati lain-lain dah tak wujud dalam era digital. duit minyak.
kalau boleh, anda nak semua disediakan, everything's served. breakfast on bed.
- tuesday, june 24, 08. 03:36 pm


I already had a bad day a the office. so, no, thanks for your concern to give me more on morning while i'm on my way to work, in my sleep even.
- wednesday, june 25, 08. 05:30 pm



filem saya bertajuk "Tunggu". proses menghasilkan filem tu buat saya tertunggu lama. tunggu first computer for editing process. first video camera, first crew, casts, band to be with for score and soundtrack.

and the story resolve around the people.... yang menunggu.

   seorang mamat yang kerjanya menunggu bas pergi kerja setiap hari tatkala tak dapat menahan diri dari menyeranah perkhidmatan yang makin lama makin teruk macam beruk tak kebah langsung dengan keputusan pilihanraya dan pengecualian duit minyak.
   seorang gadis yang sampai ke cerah menunggu boipren-nya (sebut 'boipren' macam dalam filem 'Masam2 Manis' lakonan P Ramlee) masuk meminang, bagai menungggu buah yang takkan jatuh. dalam proses ini, penyeksaan jiwa berlaku. anda bakal terkejut melihat siapa sebenarnya mangsa penderaan jiwa ini.
   2 pasangan di dunia virtual menunggu bila tiba saat berjumpa di dunia sebenar. because in your fairy tale, i am the wolf.
 
all this attention makes you thinking that you're the queen or just the girl w/ the red hood.

   ye, saya tengok filem Sepi semalam. tiket free untuk 2 tapi tengok sorang, balik sorang. saya tak pernah ke tayangan wayang waktu malam perdana sejak menaiki pengangkutan awam menyukarkan perjalanan pulang. tapi saya buat hal, tengok juga,... sebab dia. janji ajak makan yang sepatutnya, tidak berlaku. saya tak mahu pulang awal dengan hati lara. so, i had a thrill ride watch the movie. dengan sebarang kemungkinan bakal stuck di kl jika tertinggal bas terakhir.
   yang menyentuh saya cuma melihat satu famili: seorang ibu, seorang anak perempuan, seorang anak lelaki. dengarnya si ibu tak pernah bawak anak2 ni pergi premier movie macam ni. si anak excited nak tukar kupon (yang diberi bersama pas masuk percuma) dengan popcorn dan coke. bahagianya...
   company saya di kiri, pasangan yang sangat peramah sesama mereka ketika filem berjalan. si perempuan dah tahu semua perkara2 yang bakal berlaku dalam satu adegan sebelum adegan itu berlaku, lalu menyebut "kereta terbakar", "boipren die dah mati", "anak die", "masuk longkang besar".... spoil betul....

   by the end of the movie, 'tank' saya penuh. damn!

   tapi by 12:30 saya tetap selamat sampai ke rumah ketika terbayang bakal tidur di bus stop (dan sukar ke tempat kerja esok). let say, destiny has brought me here. safe and sound. so, can we have another thrill ride? hell yeah!

   (to conlude, the movie 'Sepi', w/o those interuption during my cinema experience that day, is damn good for the lovelorn on the first half. happy ending killing us all.)

--------------

karekter Afdlin Shauki dalam Sepi relate with someone else's wedding.
remember the early scene when he made that cake?
he embrace it.

my job too, relate with people's wedding.
i don't even care about it before, the actual visual, the bride expectation, their reception.

now i have to embrace it too. (baca : bridal magazine)

- friday, june 27, 08. 11:38 am



morning eulogy (i think the morning bus just hate me which is fine)

[use quote from Morning Sad from Veruca Salt]

complaint letter to RapidKL incoming with 'blitzenius' id on it. publish on local tabloid.
- saturday, june 28, 08. 10:48 am



actually i had my teeth grind within week. causing head ache, unconciousness.
it just feel better now.
better with work et al. eating, digestion. eat, eat, eat.
(maybe it's payday...)
punctuality except. yeah, RapidKL at its worst.
- thursday, july 03, 08. 12:59 pm



case study : girlfriend

the more i became passive upon conversation, the more she heating it up. maybe she don't want angelic type male figure as her companion due to the fact her world is on fire and no one can save her but herself.
peace on earth (w/ questionaire).
miss digby favour a music made by uncle trent, even met him, and ran away by star-struck. [n] has a serious question to miss digby. which album by uncle is her favourite.
- friday, july 04, 08. 10:11 am



lupa nak bawak mag Wired dengan feature Ridley Scott. that nifty little thing,... kekadang perlu during working hour. keep us awake.
- friday, july 04, 08. 10:31 am



(ouh, i remember that girl.
everytime she show up in art school, my heart beats w/ 'f' word.
still.)
- friday, july 04, 08. 11:19 am



we save lotsa false light by turning 'em into black.
(pandemonium to our monitor screen. false light is a tribute to Isis, the band.)
- friday, july 04, 08. 03:06 pm



Maya Karin ingin memberitahu satu dunia tentang pilihan hatinya, perkahwinannya. Suratkhabar, headline semua muka dia je.
   Maya, ingatlah satu episod dalam rancngan Gene Simmons' Family Jewel. Kata Gene kat bini dia:

"sayang, jangan beli satu Amerika!"

Manakala terma 'kurang kasih sayang' telah diguna pakai sejak berabad dahulu, cuma tidak diekspreskan (diluahkan) dengan kata-kata. Melalui perbuatan pula, ia amat sukar difahami. Terlalu kompleks, hinggakan di muka surat 32 saja telah ada 17 jalan cerita.
- saturday, july 05, 08. 11:04 am



(enjoy the) silence and karmacoma

all 'friends' (they can be in questionaire too), the phone calls, txt msg, cyberactivity, the voice, the in-depth appearance, they don't breath.

i'm in hideout.

i mean, working on stuff. and they won't help much now.
but i love the praise, a little.
- monday, july 07, 08, 11:08 am

enthusiasistic in package.
masa birthday yazid, i remember sarah bagi comic that was drawn by billy tan (i always remember the late michael turner. his stroke that build top cow a reputation.)
   in past few months. those thing didn't happen anymore. well, u know, i'm 27. sarah get married since years. that was by friends; girls and boys (not in companion context).
   mixed tape make a hit again. [n], the only hope in rock, putting a mixed CD. when you're left empty, you wanting the experience for more.
   that's came up after the idea of NIN Ghost I-IV self-print.
   you want a great price in photo print, call me.

what's the catch?

   you make a mixed cd full of mp3s of rock thing, seal 'em in a package, and sent me, so the printing work went smoothly. you got a great bargain there.

plus, i'm bored...

- friday, july 11, 08, 10:44 am




sebenarnya ketika karya Christopher Nolan tahun 2005 'Batman Begins' keluar, orang masih tak mahu memperkatakan betapa bagusnya filem ini. sesetengah orang masih trauma dengan crapness filem Batman terdahulu, 'Batman & Robin ketika era Joel Schumacher. sesetengahnya pula tak dapat menerima dengan rekaan Batmobile yang dah jadi tank, instead it's close to our reality.

   itu saja.

time & money, they're good game. good wicked game.
those 2 were informed in Pink Floyd's dark side.
how serious they're.

counting how much bills you made after month for a collage artwork, is a good game too.

- tue aug 26, 08, 10:34am




take my word. when
i'm below one grand. than you guys.
take my word, dear.

this is pregnancy.
and the birth is difficult.
but end result is beautiful.

"they steal our minutes..."

works consult idea of living, really.

nailed. break down the form and rule.

- sat aug 30, 08, 03:23pm






you wanna know something [n], you're something i can never have...

wujud lagikah terma kekasih siber, awak?

"A hiccup in paradise
I keep you jealously to myself,
In a photo the size of a kiss,
A kiss in the shape of a bullet..."

tengah sibuk dengan kerja harian kan.. tak termasuk kerja luar yang jadi creative driven obnoxious filter dreyfus. (rasanya semua orang sibuk, tapi assume aku ni yang terlebih masa terluang, when i couldnt even hold my breath), datang kekasih siber lama.



semua urusan tergantung. sekejap.



kekasih siber.
kekasih siber.
siberian kiss.



tapi saya dah jarang dapat online, awak. terluka saya nanti. awak nak jerit kat shah alam ni, ntah2 saya dah pindah. ouh, perkhidmatan talian mobil. tunggu, tunggu.



2 tahun saya tunggu tak tiba utusan yang dinanti awak. tunggu 2 tahun lagi, ibarat kita hidup 1000 tahun. 1000 tahun takkan mungkin.

itu yang awak panggil jerit saya sang kekasih siber?