For the first time I said, it’s Eid. So, be-light.

We start with, fakta nombor on our trip for hari raya (selepas diberi pelepasan seminggu) : filem pertama pada hari ke 28, hari ke 2 terakhir sebelum raya ialah Wool Cap. Khabarnya, Silverchair - ‘Frogstomp’ bakal jadi airplay sebelum berbuka puasa. Seperti hari-hari tenaga yang meluap dahulu. Not happen. Walaupun hanya track pilihan ‘Faultline’. No. Sebaliknya, Megadeth. Album era digital dalam bentuk kaset. Kes kita: leftover di ofis, kaset ini perlu diberi judgement. The same with The Charlatans.

Then I have kids playing around house. Di rumah, Kampung Nibung, Panji Alam, K Terengganu. Itu saja motivasi saya. Kemudian, berbuka dengan keluarga. Kami semua duduk bersila di atas hamparan tikar. Dengan masa yang saya ada hanya sekitar 24 jam sahaja, saya mencari baju Melayu baru, menggantikan baju Melayu yang lama, yang dipakai sejak 6 tahun dahulu. Itu pesan bonda tahun lepas tapi tak ditunaikan. Saya kurang arif dalam memilih baju Melayu yang sesuai. Tiada kompeni yang boleh diharapkan untuk memberi pendapat ke 2. Saya masih ingat yang saya bertanya kepada seorang intern sebelum pulang ke kampung:

"Kedai yang awak jaga tu ada baju Melayu tak? Nak beli ni. Serius ni…"

"Baju kurung je!"

Saya hampir putus asa sehinggalah saya ingatkan kembali pesanan bonda itu. Pesanan itu juga yang menjadi rencana buat kalian untuk Aidilfitri ini. Kekanda Azlina jadi penasihat peribadi. Lepaslah RM50,… selepas selamat RM50 yang sekeping lagi untuk set meja makan dapur. Kononnya untuk meraikan waris kami di sekitar Terengganu yang bakal melakukan Annual Eid Trip. Not happen. Why you ask? They get sick. Today’s Eid went cold just like the rain that won’t stop from falling. And ayanhanda refuse to drive to Tok Ki’s mansion.

And you know what? There’s no more Tok Ki’s mansion. Perish since this year. Now he live with Ayahanda Muda for the rest of his life leaving his wife at Kampung Laut. His wife is my 2nd nenek tiri since the death of Nenda 6 years ago (the same age of my ol’ baju Melayu biru. see, why it’s hard for me to change it. Saya telah disumpah untuk tidak menukar baju Melayu! I wasn’t at her funeral… Itu balasan buat cucu derhaka. )

So, it’s color purple, the new baju Melayu. It has nothing to do with the title of Gogol Bordello’s song I played on my radio show. I wish it was blood red but time has kill me just like a sunspot.

Tengah saya siap pakai baju tu di hening raya pertama, I got a buzz of msg from ‘perkara yang tak pasti’. (Cari pengertian tentang ‘perkara yang tak pasti’ ini dalam satu bab di blog MYspace saya. http://blog.myspace.com/blitzenius ) It read:

"I surrender, no. I’m not selling my soul yet but I bound for forgiveness from a living creature that once I knew before the day he die. I’m not wish for this sin to be brought to my grave, and it’s cracked and hacked, leaving people in wonder if there’s tiling ritual happening."

Oh, you’re so sweet. To make it safe, I make my robot answer it. It’s 21st century. "Eid Wish. With Compliments - Nazri Ahmadeus."

Did I said something like: "You’re forgiven, zahir dan batin." ? Tidak kelihatan. But there’s a sign.

I never recieve a reply since then. But I wish her soon-to-be-’wife’ boyfriend choke seed with the size of my palm on his way to pick her up for Raya and her parents playing saucer.

Ok, I try to be funny, and it didn’t sound funny. I know. God bless you annoying thing. God, forgive me.

It’s raining for few seconds leaving people all around the world stuck at home with Maya Karin. Hilman Hajijan coming to my mansion on very first day with his wife, yang mengidam nasi dagang, katanya. Allah mendengar doamu. My sister the 2nd had packets of duit raya envelope to be given to anak2 sepupu that never coming for this year, unlike previous years. She had a thought that she will bring those envelope and give to ‘em directly when she pay a visit. So, she’s on the mission.

And later, the 2nd and 3rd raya didn’t feel like it anymore.

Until I left my kampung on the fifth day of raya Saturday with Kekanda Haryani, my sister the second, as she drive.

Still, at this moment, people never ask me : "What you hate the most? What is displeasure in your book? " As one said to me: "So, you think everybody like you?" "I never said that." "Everything you said,… that people hurt you. Think about your sloth act that might hurt people. I repeating again: you think everybody like you? No. ‘No’ means ‘not like you’. You’re the blackest mark upon their soul." Since then, I never make a human contact. As I told Meraq last nite on our way to berhar raya di rumah Pakcik Tan : "Aku tak nak memberi harapan palsu. That’s why it took 3 years for us to meet again."

For the first time I said, it’s Eid. So, be-light and be-heart. Swallow the truth and change yourself.

Ramadhan / Eid 1427

Current location : Sect 17, S Alam
Current music : Mars Volta - "Viscera eyes"

Pertama kali menyambut Ramadhan di perantauan sejak mula berkerja.

Tapi tak berlaku kesukaran pulang ke K Terengganu seperti satu waktu dahulu. Tiket balik tidak sesukar dahulu. Dan,... rasanya tiada kes berpuasa lebih dari masa berbuka.

Cuma yang sukarnya, bila sudah sampai ke kampung, saya mula jadi psychotic untuk menyerang sesiapa yang pernah membuat saya rasa vengeful sebelum/semasa dalam proses penghijrahan. OK, kidding! Maaf salah silap. Halal makan minum.

love is a vulture tonight : my first radio show at TraxxFM

Thanks to all my friends, yang sempat follow my first radio show i’ve produced last Thursday. Few complain about how they hardly hearing my voice. Let’s get this straight: I had this silent conversation with DJ Maya. It’s a room for 2. Saya juga ralat tentang request rakan2 saya yg mintak certain lagu but ungranted. Kita ada restriction masa. I’ll try on my next show, next month.

So, heres’ the playlist we played on ROCK IT HER WAY THURSDAY, October 12 2006
10:15 - 11:00 p.m.
Love You in the Fall - Paul Westerberg (Maya fill-in)
Pepper - Butthole Surfers
Marvellous - Lightning Seeds (for Hilman Hajijan)
Only Shallow - My Bloody Valentine
Regresando Odio - Asesino
Any Day Now - Elbow
Requiem - Killing Joke
Susanne - Weezer

11:10 - Midnight
Great Collapse - Nine Inch Nails (for Nadia Jasmine)
Nothing - Stabbing Westward (for Nadia Jasmine)
Texas Dolly - The Number 12 looks like You (for OsMunk who still hold the bass)
Through and Through - Life of Agony
Beware - Deftones (the label here still not own this copy. we first broadcasr it! we rule!)
Come to Daddy - The Dillinger Escape Plan w. Mike Patton
From Out of Nowhere - Faith No More
Love is A Fist - Mr. Bungle (for Maya)
Popsong 89 - Motion City Soundtrack
100% - Sonic Youth (Maya fill-in)

12:05 a.m. - 1:00 a.m.
Descent - Fear Factory
Lately - Skunk Anansie
Two Worlds Collide - Inspiral Carpets
Heartwork - Carcass (for Nazim)
Army of Me - Helmet
Start Wearing Purple - Gogol Bordello (for Kamal ‘Tanglung’ Masrun)
Peacock Suit - Paul Weller
Backwater - Meat Puppets
Line Up - Elastica (for Maya. I knew it!)
Loser - Beck (for Evariel)
Them Bones - Alice In Chains

re: Rock It Her Way @ TraxxFM, Nazri Ahmadeus edition

Message: sorry , the radio thing aku kena extend to 12 oct, not 05 oct. tapi kalu korang ada dengar minggu lepas,there’s a track by Converge, FF (soul of a new achine era), In Flames, At The Gates, Napalm Death, 2 tracks by Darkest Hour played on the show. Maya happen to meet those Darkest Hour guys while she’s in US.

Pakcik mintak lagu sedih….. susah gak tu. (it's The Smiths)
Evariel mintak lagu panjang,… aku suka. tapi panjang tu..
Tanglong mintak lagu yang dia tak consider rock, I play you Gogol Bordello instead. (that’s world music for people who ‘not listening hard enough’)
Munk mintak mintak lagu The Number 12 Looks Like You even dia sendiri tak sure lagu tu boleh ke tak masuk radio. boleh je Munk.

… because it’s attack of the show!

and instead of just handling the playlist to Maya, i will sit on the radio deck with her….and say few words. just few words

Message: By this thursday night, Oct 12 2006, starting 10pm onwards (lepas berita radio rtm), tune in to TraxxFM ( 90.3fm, klang valley or stream online
http://mfile.akamai.com/24752/live/reflector:52556.asx )as I’m going to produce ‘Rock It Her Way with Maya’, the sickest among the pure rock radio show, focusing on the rock thing you never heard on national radio. Yeah, it’s time to revolt! Bak kata
Kevin Pereira, "It’s attack of the show!". The complete playlist are yet to be confirmed, but expect something from Killing Joke, The Dillinger Esc Plan, Inspiral Carpets, Asesino,…. and Lightning Seeds circa Jollification. Previously, the radio show has broadcast thing from Darkest Hour, Danzig, The Pixies, Joy Division, Elastica, Atari Teenage Riot, Front Line Assembly, those things you’re going to cry over your 80s/90s memories….

If you have any suggestion, kindly sent me the
msg.

everybody wants to rule the world

I'm going to produce my own rock radio ow for an hour with the help of Maya on Thursday. If it's possible it'll be running on every Thursday nite. The hardest part is to compile my own favourite record in a CD.

As soon as I began, I figure at that most of my favourite record is heavier stuff that is not conventional for a national-authority-linked-radio. If it's mellow it's not that rock enough. Hmm.. It is okay for one song out of 10 is differently heavy. But it comes out that I make it 5 or 6.

I might be angry, hah!

I started to mellow things by call all my friends to ask them to request their favourite 'rock song that hardly played on radio/80s/90s cult singles'. If you read this, you can send your input too, :)

This radio producer work is beyong my imagination. I remember last year, all I did is ignore what I heard on the radio, make my own mix tape, fooling myself with the tape. Life is just living in the bedroom. Now, I play my favourite thing to one part of this world. It's like everybody wanted this, to rule this world. It's about time you give people what they deserve, a descent airplay.

With the magazine design work too, I become the busiest man. It's dramatic contrast to what I've thought years ago. I feel a little happy, though I'm not that proud. Maybe because I'm exhausted. There's a lot of thing I need to do. alot.

Ramadhan to my friends, this moment we should to get some rest.

Meeting Maya

"I am the one who make the lousy msg every thursday night."
"Yeah, Navsta told me you're around here."
Really? Damn! I'm hanging around here for hours like a jerk, just to wait for this guilty pleasure to come. I just eat chickn. No, really.

I finally met Maya Suraya, the voice behind the deck player at TraxxFM, who grip me tight on radio again since last March. It's beyond my imagination.

She's a nice girl. Young. Hype. Delectable. Heh! Eccentric. Plus, the mind. Someone you wanna be with when you're snuck in boredome too long. Someone who you want to talk to. Someone who got to be.

Years ago, I was just a listener. I never thought about to tell the radio to play something something. The last 8 years I know I had to rely on their knowledge to play the record on air, because my musical literate book never that thick as them. Plus, they're good. And I know they never play anything ridicule to crucify our musical fascist. And I was in the band. But bad thing happen. Rock radio folded.

As I came across a journey of seeking decent airplay, it turn out that I found many things I enjoy to listen but didn't surface on the radio. Too many things. And I'm feeling old. By this means, can you figure out how many tracks I wrote in my book, the song titles, the bands, how many record I bought, burnt in a year, from year to year? And how many bands that fuel my desire to make it as national anthem but didn't happen because our popular culture's stinking? "I'm not a fan." You hiss. How many times your favourite song rising up your vengeful feeling upon someone who dump you, the one you killed? Cannibal Corpse. How many times memories hit you with rhythm, in a sudden become a torment into this heart? House of flames, river blood.

"They always makes me feel like London is near. The soccer year."

In the end, meeting Maya is my visceral pleasure, not guilty. We talk alot about Blur, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle,... Brujeria, Alice In Chains.... everything musical I enjoy listened. Conversation stimulating , definitely. It just the noise caught us in deaf. And I miss to talk more about Depeche Mode. The Pixies. But the point is, we talk alot,.... just because the noise that ruined.

Sometimes I can't believe that I've gone this far with the voice (she's a voice talent for animation, if your ear in high fidelity.) I always wonder what if,.... I never reclaim my designer chair back. Sometimes I think I rather let the voice remain behind the deck, unsolved and mystery so that I could appreciate more, curious for more upon who is who. And the song she/he play is always the answer. And never I talk about radio to others too much since years. Yeah, this thing really shed tears , remembering juvenille, remind us someone who were with you, who together fight for this bitter life. Who recently got married. Who recently sacking me out of the band , in silence. Who always use song title or band name as a pick up line just because I'm aching when talk about feeling, love, heart and the deepest.

I always wonder what if I'm still an industrial worker. Then this box of sound will always become thing I desire. And when it's folded again, your life's end and you wont begging for more, turning into iPod. The voice tearing your heart everyday. Body full of scratch. Because now the revenge you have to suffer is heavier.

Before we left, she offer me something. A space. It drive me nuts now. Because I feel like; life of nothing won't motivate a moving score, something I lack because I've been burden with nothingness. You know it.

But then,... awak tahu awak tertanam di dalam lubang yang sangat dalam. Anda perlu mengais, setiap hari. Sehingga ada ruang. Yes, you have to seek for it. All the time. You can't just wait.

what Nasir Ali love the most : 1 of 5

Current location : Section 17, S Alam, Selangor
Current mood : rejuvenated
Current music : Depeche Mode - "Blasphemous Rumours"

3 days of draggy traditional illustrate brought us to late night sleep, too early sleep, and eating at workspace, which turn my stomach twisting badly.

this is for next month issue of the magazine i work for. i thought i never did this....

to Encik Nurazmi 'Mambo di Kuale' : Though the most used of female subject for my recent post, it has nothing to do with my offline personal life. Woman has a name of lust. Inspirational. Distraction juga. But one thing ; we can never say no. Itu yang kita mintak , by our side.

this blog was made for walk...

... and watching and witness, while walk around.
wedding bell ringing for Sarah Joan (Sofiyah and Harun's sister). she's 23, i think.
it comes to the part of her next phase of her life.
i look her as a mirror. it might look similar, but it's not.
if there's something too good or too wrong, the mirror will remind me.
Hilman going to get married soon, too. for something.

and i'm still here for nothing.

except for a call from Adinda Firdaus : "you're going to pay your debt or you dead for the whole existence, since you have your money, but dont think alot about (the use of) your money, except for your pride."

right, i'm working for it now, 3 months now. i'm not a preach, what i doing is more like to share.

that's why home kuala terengganu seems too far. because we're not there yet.

kukuhkan tiang, sebelum siap binaan rumahmu.

kerana itu keluar tadi selepas waktu kerja, i tend to not look like i'm about to going out but more like im about to back again. to refresh. to live. thank God Hilman was there when I met Dell. Hilman is a standalone player. im the disc. if the disc crashed, the player still can play another disc. but if the player crashed, there's no disc to be played though how good all the 10,000 discs. got me, Dell ? no, it's hard to understand.

enjoy your book as well i enjoy my record i bought.

twisting channel

http://blitzenius.livejournal.com/

something something

Story behind Fathullah Luqman Yusuf: "Dia hubungi mobile phone saya, tanyakan arah ofis. Untuk bincang soal CD barunya yang tidak dijual di kedai2 di KL. Cuma melalui rakan saya, Hasrul, by hand. 1000 salinan terakhir, katanya. Ketika dia sampai, dia tanyakan arah kiblat. Lalu dia beramah mesra dengan semua yang ada di ofis, termasuk budak2 yang datang ofis, sama ada band atau yang claim CD atau nak tayang t-shirt band Jepun. Skang ni saya dengar Click Five, sambungnya lagi. Spoilnya, saya tengah sambung makan. Dia rasa saya stressful. Sangat benar. Jurnal saya, yang muncul dalam mukasurat AD Samad di majalah dibelek. Saya tak pasti, sama ada surat cinta lovelorn saya dibacanya atau tidak. Tapi, hasil contengan saya, dalam perhatian dia."



Story behind Jadam: "Imej ini circa 2004, semasa shoot Wira Gitar untuk majalah Guitar & Bass. Sekarang, Jadam tidak berambut seperti ini. Semasa pertama kali bertemu dia di Berjaya Times Square, dia melihat lakaran saya yang muncul dalam isu dia bersama Necrotic Chaos. Kau tulis kat majalah ke?, tanya dia. Tak, buat grafik je, jawab saya. Yang tu kau lukis?, dia tanya lagi, menunjuk ke arah lukisan pada letterhead majalah. Ha'ah! Ni ada lagi (sambil tunjukkan beberapa unreleased artwork), jawab saya. Hahaha!, dia gelak. Kelakar la, dia sambung. Lepas tu dia tanya nama. Nazri. Dan dia sebut nama dia, Jadam. Saya tergelak. Dia pun sama. Itu soal peribadi kenapa kami sama2 gelak. Selepas tu, dia mintak saya tolong jagakan backpacknya. Ketika April 2004. Semasa gig free di luar Times Square. Bersama Love Me Butch. Saya jadi residen Loke Yew. Tak pernah nampak pun, kata Jadam. Kata2 akhirnya yang saya ingat, dia jemput saya ke studio yang dijaganya. Ada berita tak gembira tentang studio yang disebutnya sekarang. Saya rasa. Gitar Jadam juga hilang semasa showcase Langsuyr. Sejak itu kami tidak bercerita banyak tentang Jadam, sehingga dia surut."



I wish not to tell you about this illustration.......



...and this one too, that I made last April or March. That's the painful undigital era I need to face for straight 4 months.

my 2nd exhibition (jika ditolak karya komik yang dipamer dan kolaborasi)

at 5 , p m , berkecamuk la jugak

hard times as today's cinema and clusterfuck

"Seems i'm bein forced into a mold
Hard times! Hard times!
Forcin me and i'm growin cold."

... and it's seems like, kalau nak cari cinema di kuala terengganu, you had to go like hundred miles, yang paling dekat di kuantan. it's been 10 years now i never had cinema experience. recently, she wanted it. and that's what she did. cross the state hundred miles for cinema experience. great, but you never heard my insider story, and that's good. poor my lil' bro. sepanjang hidup dia, cerita tentang pengalaman wayang membuatkan dia melihat saya sebagai social outcast di kampung sendiri. 10 tahun dia melihat negara dalam proses menentang lanun penyalin filem haram, rungutan penerbit filem tentang filem mereka yang tak dapat jual. but the real thing is, mereka kehilangan audien di satu titik ini di pantai timur, which is our state.

poor my lil' bro. kerja saya dulu sebelum usia awak ialah melihat layar besar dengan kadar RM3.50. 2 daripadanya ialah filem adaptasi dari permainan video 8 bit.

and for what she did, saya kata it's no fun and no use anymore.you had a hard times and you deserve it and i dont give a clusterfuck.

uninteresting event.

the picture you see above is what used to be my hangout in the early 90's. (credit goes to Joe Kidd for the pic. he swear watch the movie "Urgh! A Music War" there in 1982.sweet...). i dont know why we cant save ourselves there nowadays. seperti tugas yang besar. last year, let say if i put some delicate in my mouth, i taste it bad. really bad.

more on hard times,... i may never be at any major book/comicstores until i get my copy of The Fountain, which I could already have weeks ago.

... dan Natasha Hudson telah jadi janda berhias ("Hi, Kak Jamie!") , to tell that some people might become a clusterfuck for eternal damnation of his/her life.

and for the record, that dude with the name MEGAJOUST RECORDS "CEO" HARROLD KERRING is Jason Suecof, the guy behind God Forbid, Monstrosity, Control Denied, Richard Christy, Burning Inside, Trivium & Adrift deck, recently with Chimaira. he's the one who successfully did Alanis/Deicide crossover.

Kredit gambar : Yatt

"we conquer" : post-war post

Ini ialah ruang selamat untuk sebuah cerita tentang kebangkitan.

Jangan terlalu banyak berjanji.

At least I did, walaupun, exhausted dan tak pulang ke rumah sewa ,... like 3 weeks.

Lokasi saya sekarang: Shah Alam - rumah sewa + tempat penghasilan catan. Batu Caves - tempat kerja dan stress dan membuli awek intern graphic dan menyusahkan hidup si kerani misteri "yang malas", ibarat kata Ojets.

Terengganu, tempat menonton siaran tv kabel tanpa henti, summer blockbuster, tiada fokus hidup dan tempat di mana seni itu mati, telah ditingalkan sejak akhir December lepas. kerana patah hati juga, tidak pulang ke Terengganu. di Lembah Kelang pula, saya kekurangan vitamin. kerana dibebani kerja, dan tak pasti bila ingin makan. dan makan pula makanan yang tidak ditapis kandungan minyak, gula, garam. Langsung tiada buah betik, sejak sebulan yang lalu.

Saya dambakan masa bertemu ahli keluarga, kekanda, adinda,... anak2 saudara. Dating dengan sorang princess di playground.

Tiba-tiba tumbuh misai. Johnny Pettibone? Dave Grohl? akan shave esok. saya belum lagi berada dalam band metal, belum reunite w/ Kamal Masrun. jadi saya perlu tunjukkan rasa selamat di ofis. dan buat gila.

stressful. akhirnya kita perlu balik juga. once every 3 days. 3 minggu tu lama sangat. balik shah alam. bukan balik terengganu. itu raya karang.

walaupun engkau semua awek intern yang hanya tahu coldplay, dan kerani misteri malas yang tak tahu pasal muzik melainkan satu majalah dengan muka anak Khatijah Tan dan mintak CD spider, .... tak apalah. aku terhibur dengan korang semua. koranglah suri di pejabat , tempat kerja yang sebenarnya punya monster yang ghaib tapi korang tak tau. saya dapat merasainya.

ini post pertama saya lewat musim graphic. pertama sejak 6 bulan dahulu. pertama untuk tahun 2006. exhibition, insya Allah kalau jadi, karya akan dikatalogkan, bulan 6 atau bulan 7. jika tidak, saya masih teruskan untuk buat lebih banyak painting.

ia tak jadi nyata di Terengganu. itu yan menyebabkan saya patah hati. di sana, saya tidak superior buat seorang dara yang dicintai. lalu saya tidak dicintainya.

jadi ini ruang yang selamat untuk ceritakan perihal pembelian komputer peribadi, yang dirancang rapi, sejak ..... setahun yang dahulu (saya main tulis saja.)

ini juga ialah permulaan saya sebagai penulis (sebenarnya, menulis kembali), untuk media cetak yang dahulunya, luas kawasan liputannya. tulis tentang apa? tentang orang lain. alex grey, cd cover art, vaughan oliver, atau top ten record (yang kurang jadi 9, of all time....). dan satu video muzik david fincher.

saya tak guna jurnal atau blog popular untuk post begini. mereka kata , saya ini boleh menyakitkan hati mereka. saya terima. kerana kalian belum bertemu saya. kerana kalian tidak tahu tentang derita saya, yang buatkan saya kekadang menuntut perhatian. merayu? let see, kalian punya masa sendiri. saya, jika merasakan menunggu itu proses yang sukar dengan keputusan yang tak pasti, i'll do it my way, the hard way, than never do it.

[originally posted on Deviantart]